Friday, August 29, 2014

Being a Human Being...

Dear Mr. Middle-Aged Red SAAB Convertible Driver,

On our lovely drive up Parley's Canyon to the Mormon Mecca of Swiss Days this morning, my mother and I merged onto Highway 189 and saw you in the rearview mirror.  For some reason, I automatically didn't like you and I was about to find out why.  As our two lanes turned to one, we respectfully merged into the slow line of cars.  You, however, seemed to think you were special...like somehow the universal rules of driving (or just being a decent human being) didn't apply to you.  As you weaseled along the slowly diminishing lane, you were angered and shocked that not one of us really wanted to let you in and be that guy.  No one was outright mean, mind you, but you seemed to think that explosive anger was the correct answer to the pressure the car behind you put on you.  I really enjoyed how you purposefully swerved in front of the car and slammed on your brakes just to really stick it to the people behind you.  Merely inches from rear-ending you, the visibly shaken driver behind you honked and waved for you to merge into the line of normal human beings.  You thought it would appropriate to make a large gesture, swerve, and brake again....coming to a complete standstill straddling the lanes.  As the cars behind you started to pull around you, your response of more swerving, choice gestures, and shouting filled me with deep laughter and an even deeper shame for the human race.

Surely this must be some kind of joke.  Surely no man who has survived on this planted to adulthood...not only adulthood, but middle-agedhood should act like a big, giant, baby in the face of  a merging situation.  Did swerving and yelling all over make you feel like a powerful man who was in control of the situation?  Because I saw a five year old throwing a fit over some cereal in aisle 2 of Smith's Market Place yesterday that exhibited more maturity and class than you did on the road today.  Is it because you are technically anonymous to all of us around you that helps you to freak out without remorse?  

Dear mister SAAB driver, I am ashamed that you would treat another human being like that. I am mortified that you think it is okay to act like that... What I wouldn't give to show your wife a video of our little run in.  Would she be surprised? Was it your totally inappropriate responses to human situations that attracted her to you in the first place?  Did it really seal the deal after you proposed to her that you rudely sent back your steak three times because it wasn't to your liking and then failed to tip your waiter?  Did your daughters write essays in grade school about their hero- You, their father, and how you yell at customer service representatives on the phone who are genuinely just trying to help you.  Are you admired in your community for your manly use of your middle finger and how, without regard to the feelings of anyone else, you get what YOU want?  We all know you are special, Mr. SAAB driver, and we all know that you are a REALLY big deal (because you let us know); but let's join the human race and take it down a notch.  Or at least be embarrassed by your actions so I don't have to be embarrassed for you.